As-Salam.
Writing this at 2am now. I hate the fact that i can't sleep even when my throat hurts. I want to sleep, i have to sleep, plenty of house chores coming tomorrow morning as mak is not home yet (she's staying at Penang for two days teaching for twinning program) and both my younger brothers are home which means plenty of rubbish as the rubbish maker finally found its dustbin (which is the home sweet home). Please put this in your mind for the next 3 minutes that, this is an emotional post about myself. I don't always get emotional (eh yeke? now i doubt because i am emotional ever since school ended) i don't even know why i changed, i am being concerned over the tiniest things. I miss my carefree me, my simple minded me, i really do. What is this unexplainable phenomenon happened to me. Am i being this way because i am already 18 or i just think too much. I hate this, just so you know. I'm not glad for thinking too much, I'm not glad to burden my mind ok seriously. I just need to spill this out.
I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of every single possible things that might happened to me in the future. I am afraid that i will changed to be someone who's not the current me without conscious. I am afraid that if i leave home we siblings might not be as close as before, as we all going to grow up and go separate ways. I am afraid that one day when i decide to be mature i am no longer my mom's daughter who clings around her everyday, who keep screaming the word "mak" for no reason just because its a habit. I am afraid that soon i'll be losing contacts with my girlfriends and we can't make our relationship out because it turns out awkward, because why, because in our mind we think that oh, she probably found a better bestfriend after awhile. I am afraid that i might not find a friend that really understand me the way my girlfriends are without even trying, in university. I am afraid that i can't pull off my studies and i might disappoint my parents again. I am afraid of every single thing.
Read the quotes on my sidebar. Even though it says "anxious" (and i'm not really anticipated for the future but) it does bring out the same meaning. I put on the quotes not just because its a well written with deep meanings but its for me to keep that as reminder every time i surf my blog. I just realized by listing out all my phobias all the things that frightened me, those are all the things i possibly do in the future, the mistakes that i, myself going to regret when i grow old. I just realized that it's me who should try to overcome my fear by not do all those regretful things. It is me who should not changed to be someone im not, it is me who should always make out our siblings relationship even we we grow old, it is me who should keep contacts with my girlfriends, it is me who should be mature and still be the mommy's daughter, it is me who should do the right things because if its not me, myself who will, who ever going to realize. So stop worrying about the what not, fika.
How awkward this is. This was suppose to be my rant and i wasn't suppose to solve my own problems, (was hoping for someone to coax me actually) hahaha. You gotta start to be independent fika, who else gonna calm you down when you're in worries. I need to train myself on how to solve my worries and problems as quick as i can (obviously i dont want it to drag for hours or days). But to be honest, it is okay to worry yourself a little than to be someone who's not aware at all, living in their comfort zone as if life is full with rainbows and candies (literally) because it prove that you actually care, not just yourself but those you love. Its a reminder for yourself too, fika. (terukir di tengkorak kepala, terlakar di tisu jantung, jangan hanya pandai cakap sahaja wahai diri).
p.s i always have this blues when mak is away from me. i wish she knows this. (i won't tell her because she's gonna say the same thing again, it's me who never grow up and i secretly blame her for pampering me that i turned out this way).
Bye.
